Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My Hell

Militant Vegans
Circle I Limbo

Republicans
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Hipsters, General asshats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Scientologists
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

The Pope
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Rednecks
Circle VII Burning Sands

Osama bin Laden, George Bush
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Creationists
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Monday, May 24, 2010

Bring on the Lao Lao






Don Det: One of the four thousand "islands" yet we were sure that the rocks jutting out of the Mekong not big enough to stand on were being counted. Having no idea of the proper exchange rate, Kath and I both (in exhaustion) cussed out the ice cream man as soon as we docked who we assumed was ripping us off enormously. Great start ya boneheaded tourists!

We were directed to this little bungalow with a dangling number nine hanging off the door, dried red paint dripping sinisterly down the door where it was hung. The view, sunset descending into the glassy Mekong behind a palm frond. Price, four dollars.

Several days slipped by in laziness and early nights on the island with a limit of electricity. Kayaked for a day to find the famous Mekong Dophins. However, what we saw floating along which we photographed thinking it must have been a dorsal fin turned out to be a bag of garbage. The way back we saw a little boy playing with his bee bee gun, or so we hoped, by taking his brother hostage.

Several waterfalls on the way back took our breath away and the drivers even let us sit on the roof as they putted along at 80km with half tied kayaks knocking us around.

Tubed the next day and decided to begin at a bar which was clearly owned by the king of lethargy, a bar on the shore with a plank/diving board bending slightly over the river. Well, there we went chucking our tubes off the board and attempting to swim after them in the deceptively strong current.

Vientiane: John Smith, dad's old friend, his wife Bambina and son Sourya put Kath and I up in the Lao capital for a few days. Knowing the locals is the key to making any dull to the naked city come aliiiiiive! Going to the international school, Sourya had a healthy amount of well connected and considerably generous amigos. I had never been to any VIP section in a club and had hardly had the chance to sip Blue Label served by an attentive waiter...ever!

Bambina also took Kath and I to a spa and shopping for the day, speaking perfect french, her and Kath had plenty to talk about and Kath even came back to stay with them after we had split up a week later.

Christian and Tim, our mates from Don Det had gone ahead to Vang Vieng and drunk dialled me saying that we were to come and stay in Spicy Lao right away...they had already saved us hammocks at the tree house hostel.

It turned out to be a little like The Beach, in fact the drama that soon followed closely followed the movie as well. I guess 24/7 with one girl can drive anyone crazy after a week. But as our time together came to an end I realized an important thing. That if you want to really be comfortable being with someone like that, you have to either really know them or your have strong enough feelings that that doesn't matter. Katherine and I, unfortunately, had not developed either.

The tubing was great, the climbing better and the free drinks, well they had their uses for some but I had kindof lost my party mood from Cambodia. Even free buckets of watered down whiskey can get redundant when you have other stuff on your mind.

We split up, got back together and then, inevitably, split up again when I started my 24 hour trip to Chiang Rai to begin my volunteer posting. We left with a light smile, a kiss and clinging on to the good times.


Saturday, May 15, 2010

Cambodia...they have malls here?

Touch down: Bangkok – taxi to Kao Sahn – backpacker infested microcosm intact as always (probably wouldn’t change come apacalypse). Met my crowd on day two: Tom Jones, Emily and Jack. They were up for the sleezy bars, Go Gos but not quite Ping Pong shows…I think Emily told Jack he was sleeping on the floor if he came along…the thing about BKK tho is that there is always a next time. In fact two next times to come. Kind of the unofficial yet officially the backpacker capital of … hmm… the world? Did the riverboat tour and stuck to Khao San and its quaint environs. Hey, Ive don’t it before. Missing…uhh..India a lot.

The plan was Vietnam, who knows why? Does anybody have more than a once sentence reason for traveling 500 km for another piece of land that you know just about as much about as where the melting grayish ice in your BEER (yes they do that!) came from.

Instead, Cambodia. Met Tomer Noy, a 33 year old Isreali whos english was just riddled with humerous expressions. I later slashed my toe open on a rock in Sihanookville when he asked if I wanted to make a ssschnorkal today?? We did Angkor Wat and a bike ride and Venician priced boat ride on Tonle Sap lake (biggest in S E Asia I bereive)…turned out more impressive than the temples..shhh. Dived off our little private vessel and got some great shots in the sunset. Went to a little floating restaurant where the owner excitedly showed us his collection of Alligators in a pen that was only half netted. This was about 30 feet from where I swam. CRIKEY!

To Phnom Penh with Tal and Monika, another Isreali and a Pole. Celebrated my birthday eating floor cake and throwing the rest in a strangers face. Couldn’t escape the constant sound of the movie The Killing Fields blaring from every hotel, not exactly the psych up for a night out at The Heart of Darkness club which made sure to let us know that there were no grenades allowed inside.

SIhanookville, armpit and paradise at the same time. Snorkeled, beach bummed outside beach bar number 14 I think. No, that was the name. Group had now grown to … six? Met Katherine as well, a 21 year old French Canadian that joined me and Christian (a german that thought he was Aussie) in Laos. Verdict: Should have avoided the tourist holes but Khmer people can smile better than any colgate model to date.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Dodging Bombs

Last Indian city before Thailand and I almost get blown up. Thanks for the nice farewell India!!
About two hours after Basia and I drove past the German bakery in Pune Scoobie got a call from a friend asking how many pieces he was currently in. Most likely Pakistani terrorist related, say the authorities...certainly not me, a bag was left in the bakery to be opened up by a waiter who instantly died along with 7 others, setting it all on fire. From Scoobie and Paula's eloquant, gardened and gated, shiny new appartment this seemed like a joke. But once BBC got hold of it we caved and began phoning relies at once.

Heading to the mall the next day probably wasn't the smartest of ideas but you know when you really want some western food. Subway was enough to pull us toward a potential bombing target. Had our bags checked at the door and there was small army guarding outside. Leaving, subway consumed, an upper class young Indian woman was having a fit because she didn't want to carry her stuff around in her hands...wow.

Couldn't beleive how hospitable they were to me. Coming from beach shack (which i loved!) the large bed and translucent glass-paned bathrooms were somewhat out of the ordinary but much appreciated. Watched the opening ceremonies for Vancouver 2010, missed home for a minute then realized where I was and who I was with.

Saying goodbye to Basia as she flew off to London from Mumbai wasn't easy or fun but also didn't feel like adieux. Its a big, constantly moving and international world now in which I can't imagine people with things in common can be held back forever. But you have to move on don't you? What better place to do than in South East Asia's beating, cosmopolitan heart of Bangkok, and more precisely, Khao San Road. Dum Dum Dummmmm

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Shockingly Smitten with the Sunny State

Three days on a train. Does the landscape change? Not really. Do people get on and off? Nope. What do they do to keep busy? Stare out the window.

Westerners couldn't go ten minutes without reaching for their ipod or flicking through their book. Indians manage to just...stare. Apart from my Kashmiri bunkmates. They were the hairiest, more strangely clothed people on the carriage. I thought it was a joke when one yanked off his sweater to reveal a tank top that I swear had poofy parts where the boobs were suppose to be.

Waiting for Basia to jump on at Pune so we could find some Goan beach paradise was torture on that sweaty, metal leviathan. There are really only so many card games you can fail to teach Kashmiris. Finally, Basia jumped onto her first Indian train. For a newbie, she took it all really well. Having gone from palace hoping in Rajasthan to this I had imagined a bit of complaining but I think by the end she was shutting me up.
Met a German and Dutch girl on the second night with the same idea as us.

- "...We've done the cultural bit now so please give us some sand, trance and beer."

Three bumpy buses later we slogged into Arambol. Described as a good hybrid between hippie heaven and backpacker stopover it fit the bill perfectly. Beach hut with hammock out front and a stereo playing the constant seductive rhythm of a symbol? Thank you we'll take it.

Now this is what we all really dream of isn't it. At least those of us without a pristine beach, constant sunshine, pillows-on-the-sand restaurants within an arm's reach and someone awesome to share it with.
The evenings were what made us laugh. Imagine Lost but only with the most complacent and eccentric people in the cast. It would be Goa to the dot. Bunch of weirdos cast onto this "be whoever you wanna be" town.

Top these:
-A couple swinging numchucks while smooching.

-Man rolling glass ball around his body with his eyes closed

-Woman writhing in circles on the sand

-And a man sprinting full pelt down the beach with his head down and arms back trying to take off.
The too few days that we had before Basia had to be back to Mumbai for her flight to London washed by in that annoying way time works when you're happy. High Speed.

With Eline, our Dutch friend, we explored a neighbouring town and its "fort" which turned out to be a pile of rubble. Must see? Kudos to Lonely Planet.

Walked for a couple hours along the beach at night to find a rumoured trance party that was breaking the new curfew laws. After you got passed the smell of non-showering hippies, who were literally tripping on their own hair, and fell into that rhythm that people on E had mastered it was pretty damn fun.
Couldn't say I've ever had that many incredible moments in that short a time with anyone. We both knew how to crack each other up and spent most of our time doing that. Was no fun talking about serious things like how and when we had to leave. But, of course, time came to wash the sand off our feet and leave Goa feeling very proud of itself.

Don't think I could ever go back though. It would just spoil it.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Here's to changing plans

There's me after roughly six hours of hiking up the slopes of a mountain whose name I'm sure I remembered at less altitude. Raju, my spry little guide told me that he was "most-certainly-sure" that this was above 4000 meters. Turns out he was right. It's really too bad that Manali doesn't sell the "I skied the roof of the world" t-shirts. Though all in all it amounted to little more than 30 minutes of skiing. The view made up for the crackly ice sheet that had me going from carving to plunging into waist deep powder. Watching the town's one helicopter buzzing overhead dropping a swedish group wherever their heart desired didn't even manage to disheartened me somehow. There really is something in skiing a hill beside your ski tracks going the other way.

Manali really made me stop and fall properly in love with this overpopulated, overfriendly country. I through my bag into the tiny auto-rickshaw after my nine hour trip from Palampur and arrived, exhausted, at my suddenly boarded up hotel (which I had called earlier that day) to laugh hysterically. What else could I do? The town had been abandoned by tourists for Goa's heat and the guest house-ridden Old Manali resembled the image of Eastern Europe portrayed in Eurotrip with the garbage blowing in the wind...and I had planned to stay for 10 days.



But, as always, India grabs you by the wrist and this time it was in the form of a shopkeeper who must have spotted me in hysterics and thought he'd give me a room to shut me up. Ended up spending seven nights sleeping in his empty guesthouse, eating with his entire extend family in one of the converted rooms downstairs and paying little more than $3/night.

Anand, my host, and I became fast friends after he showed me with glowing pride his pair of Rossignol Bandits that he had double padlocked in the windowseat. Said that it would take time as proper ski touring season isnt for a couple of months (oops) but he'd find me a guide.


In the meantime, my pet stray dog Rocky and I hiked up to the local "ski lift" to see what was what. Took three hours, several surprise attacks from other mangier looking strays and gaping at kids flying down snow-spotted hills/cliffs in makeshift wooden sleds but we made it up to Solang Nullah.

There, among the throng of hundreds of ski-tarded Indian tourists I spotted a western lady decked out in a fancy parka, gold earings and looking very out of place at the bottom of the paraglyding hill. Rocky and I lounged on the sun soaked lodge balcony and got talking with Paula, a Zambian daughter of ex-pats now living in Pune with her husband who should be flailing through the sky at any moment. He soon landed along with their daughter's best friend from Sydney who was not surprisingly surrounded by young eager Indians looking for a picture or two to show their mates. I let Paula know their intentions and what they were going to most likely tell their mates, from experience, and she quickly rushed off to warn Basia.

Was great to meet some other english speaking travelers and though Paula, Scoobie (Peter) and Basia were hardly backpackers we had loads to talk about over tea and a zorb with Basia. What's a zorb? Voila!



The kind folks even agreed to let Rocky jump in the back of their car, despite their driver's repulsive throat clearings from the front. We did a little tour of the town. Hot Springs, spiritual museum.

"Imagine your body is a car and your soul is the driver" -curator


"He must be driving a rustbucket then" - Basia

Oh! and witnessed an overturned tractor and helped push the thing back over to clear the mile long traffic line. On top of all that they offered to have me for dinner at the local five star hotel. Wow! Anand would have never beleived this!! Taught Basia how to properly eat Indian food with her hands, took a bit of persuading but the waiters loved it. Played pool, us against the parents which ended in a lot of laughs as Scoobie and I watched Basia and Paula try and hit the right balls. The parents packed it in early and left us for a last game. That last game took a couple more hours and a walk through the starlit park. You know when something really clicks with someone...anyway, they left the next day for Delhi. Paula and Scoobie back home to Pune and Basia to travel with a wealthy Indian man who took her to the palaces of her dreams without any intentions, we're still trying to figure him out.

I was left to rockclimb, hike and dunk myself in the scorching hot springs.

"It burns like fire for the first few minutes but you get used to it after...no, you never get used to it" - Man from Oxford who claimed he'd ridden himself of sexual desire.

As promised, Anand got me up the hill, for a very large price but hey, its the Himalayas, doesn't cost anything in my books. Basically, found ways to distract myself from looking over pictures from day one with her. My flight to Bangkok approached all too fast and I took the night bus to Delhi and said my goodbyes to Anand and his family which had sortof become mine.

The night before my flight I skyped Basia, now in Pune, and she asked if I would delay my flight to come down and see her. Hmm, probably gonna cost too much I thought. Might as well give it a go though, you can only be more dissapointed I figured.





"Hi there Jet Airways, could I possibly delay my flight thats leaving tomorrow evening for 10 days time?"





"Do you mean your flight that leaves in an hour?"





"Uh what? Oh no, ohhh oops. Well, yes then that would be splendid! How much do I owe?"





"Nada sir, now you go down to Goa with a uni graduate for a romantic gettaway that unfortunately can't go any further than bliss for a week, okay?"





"Okay!!"

Monday, March 15, 2010

From Golden Temples to Sunsets

Amritsar, and more so the Golden Temple, seems to be like one of those places that loads of people mean to visit but as they leave the 'A' section in their Lonely Planets they thankfully forget the hidden treasure. I do beleive, and you can quote me, that every foreigner in town could proudly boast that they were staying in the same Golden Temple residence. A good hint was the bandanas everybody got to cover their heads inside the holy place.

Sikhism: Whereas some religions don't let you near their holy place without being one of them, Sikhs take the pains to feed up to 60 000 people a day, lodge a good 10 000 and serenade several million by loudspeakers. The kitchens file you in to sit on long carpets and despite the growing need to flex your legs everyone crosses them in penance...yet the food makes it all worth it. Dal, sweet rice, chutney, potato and chapathis are slopped onto metal plates to no end, Oliver Twist's dreamland. To give back Karan and I tended to clean fifty plates, peel as many potatoes and make as many oblong chapathis to dissaproving looks from the pros.

The temple itself was picture heaven and regardless of hour or temperature, the lake around it would be filled with eager Sikh pilgrims going for a dip in holy water that I'm sure is never cleaned. Watched the passing of the Guru Gobind Singh (holy book) from the golden temple to another along a (golden) causeway was packed every night and crack of dawn. First time an Indian girl every laid a hand on me was then when a spry Sikh teenager shoved me out of the way of her camera-phone recording of the bi-daily affair. Before slogging back the 9 hours to Palampur, Karan and some Danish girls and I zipped up to witness another daily celebration at the Attari Indian-Pakistan border. The marching and cheering, singing and dancing was enough to get a feeling of the emotional connection between these two ever-warring, ever-linked countries. The guards of each country, sporting fan shapped hats and opposing colours goosetepped their way toward each other at the gates to shake hands and return, entirely friendly, yet shockingly competitive. We were annoying alloted to the foreigner grandstand and later realized we would have been the only ones not shouting the songs from the main stands, making India seem a little too soft to the touristless Pakistan.

Back chez Bobby in Palampur, Karan and I designed our legacy to be left at the school. Though put under considerable pressure by the dazed Principal to spend five days painting the God of education on the walls, we held our own and finished a two time lines running down the hallways. The students eagerly slopped far too much paint on their cardboard pallets and helped add illustrations to the global and Indian events. Hardly anybody focused in those last few days and I could always spot a few heads poking through classroom doors to see what new, confusing battle was being depicted. Said goodbye to my kids on the last day and received a conglatulatory note from the Principal.

"Max Lloyd-Jones son of Peter Lloyd-Jones has been of great help." I asked if he wanted my mother's name as well and he blinked twice and lauged before continuing to punish a passing by boy out of class with his fist. I promptly scrunched up my notes of critisism.

On to Manali, with dreams of ski lodges and powder to be swiftly headbobbled away into the inconvenient truth of global warming. BUT! I did adopt a stray dog :)